My Girl

It all started on the cloudy night of 11th of July 2004, the day before i joined Infosys. The events to unfurl shrouded my life for the days to come. It was my first job, thru campus selection, and i was excited and nervous at the same moment, like a fish which leaves the pond for the ocean. College life is different from professional and that too in one of the most reputed organisations of India. I had left the rosy bed, and would be fighting to get a foothold. Can i survive the warm air out there and more importantly can i survive?
Caught between these turmoil’s i went to see others of the same flock, who have also come to join along with me. I vividly recall that the whole group had the same level of apprehension, and i kind of felt comfortable. It’s but human to feel safe when all are sailing in the same boat.
There i met people from various places, of different temperament and different philosophies of life ..... yet we had one thing in common , a sense of comaradrie, and hence many of them have become my pal for the rest of my life. We shared our past, experiences and also the would be future, everyone putting a different shade to the discussion ... that was exhilarating, and helped in toning down my trepidation. After the dinner we parted to meet the next day, in our new abode Infosys... and there is where i saw her for the 1st time, it was 12th of July 2004, the most cherished and memorable day of my life.
The day came and went in a fizzy; but i was too preoccupied with her memories (although i only had a glimpse) to notice anything else and carried on the joining formalities with robotic exploit. I tried in vain to look for her, but could not find her again and felt a starnge kind of emotion, a vacuum inside me, no emotions at all, a strange chill of emptiness. I had waited for this day for so long when i would be working for a big conglomerate, and when it materialized i don’t feel anything, Have i gone nuts. Why had she become so important when i had just seen her once, leave apart talking to her?.
We were allocated cubicle and i prayed with my heart and soul that she gets the adjacent one. I had never prayed with such vigor and fidelity and the call to the unknown almighty was rewarded, she sat just next to me... inside the same cubicle on my left. She was good looking with a chubby face and a sweet smile, but in total she was endearing and inescapable, u have to have a look at her if you pass through. I gave her the name miki, how and why is beyond my comphresnion. Later i came to know of her real name when it was displayed on the notice board. What a coincidence, the real name was so much aligned to one i had contemplated.

The friendship started budding if not flourishing with much pains taken from my end. We used to chat at times, go out for tea break and i became ingenious in crafting excuses to be with her. I was not just captivated by her charm, but totally mesmerised. She was happy-go-lucky type contrary to my reserved demeanor, full of energy and life. I had developed a kind of admiration for her defying all logic, and at one point of time i became so possessive that i hated if other talked of her, and later used to laugh at my folly.

My dream palace came crashing down when i heard from her that she has a boyfriend. I could not believe my ears and wanted to run away. How could i, who has never ever thought bad of anyone be punished of no sin, how can i bear this trauma. I was speechless and just nodded encouragingly. Dark clouds have started howering , as some of the colleagues started talking abt us which she took as a personal affront and limited our interactions. I was dumbfound and could not do much, all my efforts to gain back the confidence went futile. I was running through rough patch, i had seen a dream and it turned out to be a nightmare. With sheer anger and helplessness i also went into cocoon and saw the distance increasing between us. The most aching part in ones life is when u know you need to do a lot, but your hand are tied, you want to speak but your throat is parched, you want to walk but your legs are sore.

I could not take much of this and asked for transfer, may be the new place will help erode the previous memories. Mysore was a lovely place but the loneliness was dissolving the very me of me. All my friends advised me to get out of this, and rightly so, still i had no qualms abt it. But i had a stint of a stay as destiny has destined me to be with her, on project request i was moved back to HYD. But much water has passed in the time being, i had also been prejudiced and saw her through smoky glass. The new venture into HYD was equally loathsome: someone passed obscene mails from a new id to her account and god knows how i was framed. I was more dismayed than embarrassed on hearing this, and even more hurt when she reacted. Can someone go to such levels? and how can she even think that i would be part of such a misdemeanor, however sour the relation may have turned. I did not try to put up a fight, i did not want to prove anything, the only thing i wanted was to get out of this place, go anywhere i could find solace.

Time is the greatest healer, but the scar remains. We rekindled the friendship, but the warmth never came back, we traversed the same road but never deliberately to meet again. The next one year moved at a lethagic pace, with few memories worth enunciating,.The shackles had been broken but no effort made from either side to bring together the broken pieces. After my one year stay at hyderabad, she moved out to Chennai. This did not came to me as a blow, for ones psyche is like a body, which if punched again and again accepts the next blow without noticing the damage that it inflicts.

We are like puppets in the hands of destiny, for i endured what i never dared to cogitate. My life had come a full circle, i had fallen in love, got dejected, moved out then back again, just to discover that this time she too has moved out. There are moments in life when you look back and reason what could have been done to make it better. May be i could have been assertive, could have stood by my conviction instead of letting things go awry, and least of all not allowed other deeds shape up my destiny.

After she went to Chennai, i had this ambivalence, on one end i was disappointed not to see her again, on the other it was a kind of relief to realise that this is the worst that could happen. Although i could never desist from thinking of her, but there was a gradual acceptance of her loss with a state of being so inured to helpnesses that it ceases to complain.

Life has taken a new turn, i have become more controlled, more sublime, taking life in bits and pieces as it may come, much more cautious in forging relationship, and try my best to live it and enjoy to the fullest. I may have gone through those ordeals, but had much to gain than to loose. Now i cherish the moments that i have lived and take full stride in all my endeavors. But one thing remains where it was, my love for her. My 'self' may have been chastised, my soul shackled and my naivety humbled, but Miki still has a corner in my heart, and whatever said and done she is my Girl.